No more worries about the economy, college tuition for the kids, or a vehicle that makes funny noises every now and then! I’ve recently been handed an opportunity to receive 15 percent of $85 million dollars. All I have to do is call some guy in Belgium and he’ll hook me up!
Hmmm…does this sound fishy to anyone?
OK, I have to wonder how many takers these guys get when they send out these blanket emails. How can I take the email seriously when it tells me the author of the letter got my contact information “from the yellow book encyclopedia after due consideration believing you are highly respected personality.”
The message is from Mr. Rainer Kruesi, signed and everything. He has an incredibly long job title. He has solicited my strictest confidence in this transaction, so please, people, let’s keep this to ourselves.
The secrecy is “by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential and TOP SECRET with great magnitude involving a pending transaction requiring maximum confidence.”
The author then assures me he has confidence in my ability and reliability to prosecute the entire transaction. Personally, the only thing I feel the need to prosecute is his grammar. I’m driving the autogrammar check thingy nuts by quoting this letter. I can feel it getting more upset by the minute and am slightly concerned about its health. Can computer programs have anxiety attacks?
So, Mr. Kruesi said he works for an oil corporation, but after being handed an $85 million payment, his boss was arrested for tax evasion and tax-related charges and is now languishing away in prison. I’m kind of confused at this point where the bossman is languishing, because the Belgian guy claims the oil company involved is the “Russian Most Largest.”
There is a bit of intrigue afoot, because Kruesi states “a wide variety of international journalists consider the process (I’m assuming he means the arrest) politically motivated.
“Therefore, on receipt of your immediate response, we shall discuss the compulsory modalities.”
This is making my head hurt, but here comes my favorite part:
“I consequently request your maximum assistance and approvals to facilitate the transfer of the above funds from where these huge funds were deposited. Upon confirmation of your readiness to execute this magnificent transaction with me, you will be urgently required to furnish your companies name and address, telephone and fax numbers, bank name and address and your bank account number.”
OK. No. 1, they just want every contact and bank number…no red flags there, right? No. 2, try reading that really fast three times in a row. It’s better than that old Peter Piper thing. No. 3, given his use of “huge” and “magnificent” and “maximum,” this paragraph reminds me vaguely of the Smiling Bob commercials.
“In conclusion, I guarantee that his operation will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect us from any breach of law.”
Well, there’s a relief.
The other great thing about this email is its use of the word oligarchs. It doesn’t come up much in casual conversation. I had to look it up.
All I really need to know now it how much is 15 percent of $85 million?