A crime in the newsroom

Don’t panic, but there has been a crime in the newsroom. A kidnapping.

The Red Rocker and Blue Bomber, the newsroom Rock Em Sock Em Robots, have disappeared and are being held for ransom.

The robots actually belong to Aaron Hagen, the Daily Globe sports editor. I bought them for him for Christmas a couple years ago because it just seemed like something he needed. More than one impromptu tournament has taken place since they arrived.

I have kicked Aaron’s rear at Rock Em Sock Em Robots, but I have more robot boxing experience. I’m old and played with them as a child. Aaron was a newbie at the sport when he got them. He caught on fast, probably inspired by being beat by so many girls here at the Daily Globe. He might practice late at night when no one is here. I don’t know.

I do know that since right before Easter, there have been no robot games. They’re gone.

One day, Aaron arrived at the office to find the Red Rocker and Blue Bomber missing. But there was a ransom note. Complete with letters cut out of a newspaper and everything.

The note states quite clearly Aaron will never see the boxing boys again unless a bag of chocolate Easter eggs (the good kind, like the Nestle Crunch ones) are left in a drawer in the dgnews desk.

I’m a little concerned about the fact that he didn’t immediately comply. It doesn’t speak well of his future parenting skills.

Instead, Aaron sent a note back to the kidnapper. It included a quote from the movie “Taken,” and a down payment on the demand.

“If you let my robots go now, that will be the end of it,” the note states. “I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will give you chocolate.”

Aaron’s note then asks for assurance that the “boys” are unharmed and states he misses them dearly.

So far, we haven’t seen hide nor hair of Red and Blue, but the ransom is still unpaid. I’m starting to wonder what’s going to happen next. The suspense is killing me.

Will a small box containing a sawed-off plastic pinkie arrive? Or a picture with little paper bags over their little plastic heads? A video of them begging to be released?

For some reason, Aaron immediately suspected me of the kidnapping crime. How mean is that? I bought them for him, taught him to play the game, trusted him to care for them properly. What a blow!

I told him, “I don’t commit crimes — I write about them.”

So I figured I had better get this story out.

We’ve tried to keep law enforcement out of it since the kidnapping, but now there is no choice but to get them involved. I’m really starting to worry about the little dudes. Good thing I have about 30 cop phone numbers on speed dial.

I don’t know who the kidnapper is, so I probably won’t be much help when the police start to question suspects, but I think it all had something to do with Professor Plum in the conservatory with the candlestick.