Reality TV bites

Sometimes I have to wonder what kind of sick person is sitting around coming up with ideas for “reality” TV shows. I hate every single one of the darned things.

Please explain to me how throwing a bunch of models into one house and secretly testing them to see which one isn’t a major jerk can be deemed reality? It is about as real as having two women with stellar opposite personalities change places for two weeks. Or tossing a bunch of slightly psycho people on an island and having them compete for immunity by eating something gross.

(“Survivors” kind of reminds me of the plot behind the movie “Highlander.” There can be only one! At least Highlander wasn’t trying to pretend it was a true story.)

How about lining up a bunch of men to compete over one spoiled, snarky, high-maintenance female? Get real. The men I know would ogle the beautiful woman for awhile, but after a few conversations would all head out for a beer and leave her behind. And what woman in her right mind would stand in a room and let herself be humiliated and compared to a dozen others in hopes she can seduce and cajole some guy into picking her to be his one and only true love, thereby earning 15 minutes of fame, a round of talk shows and the chance to be discussed over watercoolers before fading into obscurity. Gag!

We have chefs having temper tantrums on one channel while fashion designers have tempter tantrums on another. Swearing, crying and the tossing of items. No wonder the latest generation is full of divas and drama. They think this junk is reality.

Producers are lining up the brattiest children they can find to toss at supernannies, while scouting out the filthiest houses and trashiest yards for other so-called experts to handle. Maybe if the messy-housed people would turn off the TV they could find the time to clean their house, mow their yard and raise their children.

Of course, we also have shows following the “real life” exploits of a variety of has-beens, aging rock stars and rich people that can buy their own shows and order people around. Worse yet, all of these “reality” shows seem to bring out the worst in human nature, glorifying the ones who scheme, steal and plot against other human beings so they can gain notoriety.

People, none of this is real! If you can’t at least stop watching these dumb shows, which makes producers plan more of the same, at least rebel against the phrase “reality.” Let’s just call it “completely fake TV” or “people being selfish and ugly TV.”

You want reality? Hand each of three dads a toddler, a 6-year-old girl and an angry 13-year-old boy and see which one can stand a trip to a busy mall without cracking. Oh, the girl has to go potty at least three times, the toddler has just lost his favorite binky and the teenager is mad because all of his friends have cell phones and he doesn’t.

The losers get to give their wives a backrub because she has already made the same mall trip twice that month and no one needed therapy afterward. For a final challenge, the winner has to take those same children to eat at Chuck E. Cheese without losing one. If he succeeds, he gets the ultimate reward – he promptly gets to go home and spend two hours  by himself while his wife takes all the kids to see a movie.

Now that’s reality.